i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
