apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize