how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
