Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
