I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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