What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
