How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
