This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
