i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
