She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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