Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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