i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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