She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
