Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
