i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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