so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
