Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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