Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
