Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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