those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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