Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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