sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
