Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
