I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Randomize
