Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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