for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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