matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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