i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
