the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
