Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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