Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
