her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
