sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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