What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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