I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
