if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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