I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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