This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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