Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
