its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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