Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
