is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
