id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You smell like stripper and shame
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So vagazzling was a success
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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