Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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