I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
