Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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