dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
