This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
