Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
