i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
