His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
