So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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