No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
