I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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