Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
