ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize