You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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