your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
