in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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