I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
