I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
