I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
