wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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