you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
