i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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