If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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