Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
