Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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